Ramblings
by The Opera Wenches
Summary: Tell me I belong to you, my dear Erik. I need to hear it from your lips." "You will always belong to me." A look inside the dynamics of Erik and Christine's turbulent relationship and the ups and downs it can endure within a matter of fifteen minutes.
1. Of The Beauty Underneath

**A/N: This particular one-shot came about from a Skype conversation that my fellow authoress and I had one night. She returned from a task saying she had returned and I thought it would be funny to reply in a Christine-like manner and what you all are reading is the end result of that conversation. Just for reference, there is a Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em reference toward the end: if you like, here is the episode it came from (Australia House)-the reference comes from the first five minutes of the episode. So here is the link: http : // www. youtube. com / watch ? v = Jh_ sfc DKF9M Just take out the space obviously.  
Also, there is a Georgia Nicolson-ism...some of you may know it...and if you don't, sorry then.**

**Disclaimer: My fellow authoress would like to disclaim that she has no ownership over Gaston Leroux's _The Phantom of the Opera_, ALW's "Love Never Dies", but I've got Erik here sitting in my wardrobe. We would also like to disclaim that we own none of the glory of Frank Spencer and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em, except what we get from our box sets or Youtube videos. **

**  
**_Beneath the Paris Opera House…_

Erik: I'm baaaaaaack! _(He cackles)_

Christine (_looks up from her novel_ _with_ _wide eyes_): Well, Erik this is a pleasant surprise. I wasn't expecting to see you until later when you were finished stalking up in the catwalks. Speaking of which, you _are _going to bring me up to the roof soon right? I've been stuck in these cellars for weeks! I'm turning yellow for God's sake!

Erik (_scratches his head and looks down to the floor_): Well...about that. Actually Christina--I mean, Christine, (_curses inaudibly_) I will be unable to keep the appointment due to a disaster I must orchestrate at the Paris Opera House. It is an annual event you know, to signify the fact that my love will never die, so I do not think it possible to meet with you. Please, do not cry...it pains me to see you cry.

Christine _(she stands up and clenches her fists to her sides, her book falling to the floor)_: Dammit Erik! You keep abandoning me for this so called "Love Never Dies"!!

Erik: I must apologize my dear, but one must heed the call of one's duty. Being a phantom is no small task, attending to all the lovely ladies who seek my company so ardently is not easy either. (_He smirks under the mask) _I am bit of a Don Juan you know...

Christine: Yes, you have made that one quite clear Erik! Fine. Go keep your prostitutes in good company with your acts of debauchery. I'll be in the arms of a handsome Count, and I'll never sing again!

Erik _(he gracefully advances toward her and is in front of her in three strides. He cups her cheek and speaks in a soft, but dangerous voice)_: So it is to be war between us...ah Christine, always beauty that draws your eye is it not? Always beauty...and alas, you find it in that insolent fop! That accursed slave of fashion! Go! If you must bestow your love elsewhere, then I have no need of love! What good has it ever done me? Go Christina--damn it all!--Christine, and leave me to my truest love: my music...my music!

Christine (_she_ _reaches frantically for Erik's arm as he turns to leave_): No, Erik, wait I didn't mean it! You know I cannot bear to live without my Angel of Music! But...but, it's just.... you cannot leave me! I shudder at the splendour of your genius! And for you to waste your talents and time and leave me all aloney on my owney...well, it's almost as blasphemous as Andy Lloyd creating a musical about you and I on Coney Island...oh horror, horror, horror!!!! _(She buries her face in her hands)_

Erik: Oh Christine...why must you torment your Erik? Ah but of course, I can deny you nothing. Therefore, since Christine has given her love to her Erik, Erik will keep her here with him, and oh how happy they shall be. Erik has his Christine, and his music! Yes...Christine must stay with Erik where she will be safe and loved, for nothing in this world adores her the way her Erik does; for Erik will be her angel of music! Oh my Christine, shall we sing?

Christine: Yes, yes, but Erik I have a request?

Erik: Yes?

Christine: I would like to sing "The Beauty Underneath".... you know how I adore singing, "Yes!!" in ecstasy.

Erik: My dear, Erik is in no mood for ridiculous jests. Surely an aria will suit you..."The Beauty Underneath" is not for your ears...nothing written by that arrogant fool Webber is worthy of your angelic voice.

Christine: As you wish it: my Angel knows what is best for my voice and my wellbeing. Perhaps I shall hum it instead when you are in a black mood...Oh I said that out loud didn't I?

Erik: I think you must go to your room, Christine. It has been a trying fifteen minutes, and I fear you will grow faint if you do not rest.

Christine: Of course. Because I cannot stand, think, and speak without becoming tired. How silly of me to think a woman like I could do something so strenuous!

Erik: Yes, yes child, go and rest. Perhaps we shall progress further tomorrow. Goodnight, my dear. _(He locks the door of the bedroom with an audible click)_

Christine _(she turns at the sound of the click and pounds furiously on the door)_: Damn you to hell Erik!! Fine! I shall sit on _my_ bed like a _dutiful_ wife, and knit a noose and strangle you in your sleep!!!!

Erik: Nonsense wife, it was necessary for Erik to keep you locked up safely. There are many dangers in these cellars, and Erik must go run some errands, and will not be able to protect you should you come into difficulty.

Christine: How could I run into difficulty if you have locked me in here?!? Hmmm? Perhaps I shall do as I did the night you sent Raoul away! I'll bang my head against the door again, I swear it, unless you let me out!

Erik _(in a sing-song voice)_: Goodnight, Christine. I think you will find doing so more painful than fruitful. No matter, Erik will return to tend to you as he did before. Now I must go. Be my good girl and do not try to escape, Christine. Erik loves you too much to let you go, little bird.

Christine _(yelling at the door)_: You controlling, manipulative bastard! Let me out this instant! I will screech at you and ruin my pianissimo if you don't unlock this blasted door!

Erik _(he comes into the room and leans menacingly over her)_: Christine would never dare damage her beautiful voice, would she? She would never hurt her Erik in such a way? _(He strokes her cheek, but eyes are blazing)_

Christine _(leans into his hand)_: Unless you let me out, I shall. _(She looks up at him with a devilish grin)_ Perhaps I will become like Carlotta and sing like a toad?

Erik _(he begins to chuckle and eyes slowly return to a benign gold)_: If Christine insists, Erik will unlock the door. Come, I will play for you if you wish. _(He unlocks the door and Christine flies into his arms)_

Christine: Dear husband, I do love you so! Will you play Mozart's "Elvira Madigan"? You know how much I swoon with delight when you play it. And when you are done, I shall stroke your cheek affectionately, kiss your forehead, and tell you I am yours.

Erik: Yes, yes! Erik will play whatever his Christine desires! _(He scoops her up and walks towards the couch, sets her down delicately, and starts to play the organ)_

Christine _(She leans forward on the couch, and when the song is finished, she goes to Erik and places her hand on his shoulder)_: Tell me I belong to you, my dear Erik. I need to hear it from your lips.

Erik _(he turns slightly on the bench and looks into her eyes with a serious look on his face)_: You will _always_ belong to me.

Christine_ (she takes his hands and pulls him to the bedroom)_: Come. Let us retire for the night. All this petty arguing, followed by your unrivalled hands on the organ have made me weary.

Erik _(he comes to kneel beside her seat, places one hand on her knee and looks very hesitant, like a little puppy)_:Erik...Erik has a small request...Erik would like...Erik would like...

Christine _(taking his face in her hands)_: My dear Erik, you know you can tell me anything you so desire. Tell your lovely wife what you would like.

Erik: Erik would...ah he should be killed for asking such a thing from his Christine...but then she is his living wife...Erik would like a kiss.

Christine: Nonsense! You should never wish such a fate upon yourself. I will not stand for it! And I will of course, oblige my handsome husband for a kiss. _(She leans in and presses her lips against his cold, dead ones)_

Erik _(the tears start)_

Christine: Now, now, none of that! You have no business there crying on the floor!

Erik: Erik loves you so! _(He pulls her into his arms very hesitantly, as though afraid she will pull away)_

Christine: Come Erik, I am tired, and I want to sleep in my husbands arms tonight. Will you grant your wife that much?

Erik _(he begins to climb into bed and she lays down)_: Of course I--what is that noise? I hear a voice...calling "Meg" in an alarmingly nasal voice! Erik shall go investigate! Stay here my love, I will return shortly.

Christine _(she sits up quickly and reaches for Erik with one arm)_: Oh! But Erik! One more thing!

Erik: Yes, Christine?

Christine (_in a breathy, exasperated voice_): Harry's hoop is hangin' in da hall.

Erik: Don't force it...you must fill your lungs!

Christine: Six thick thistle sticks! Six...thistle...thick…_(She looks around cautiously and spits to put the candle out)_

_

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_**A/N: So, putrid piece of garbage or somewhat enjoyable? Flame if you feel it is necessary, but we do enjoy de nice reviews.**


	2. Of Crocs and Wasps

**A/N: My fellow authoress and I have decided to turn this into a story, rather than a oneshot, due to a few requests. But when I say story, we mean it'll be a series of chapters detailing Erik and Christine's relationship in little segments, in no chronological order whatsoever. So, in essence, each chapter is its own story, thus making it a "rambling." You may also notice that each chapter begins with "I'm home!" or "Back!" and it may get rather old, but deal with it. It's our way of informing the other that we've returned on Skype, and we don't feel like changing it... and it conveniently makes for a good segway to say "Hey, let's do another rambling!"**

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to its respective owner (Gaston Leroux, ALW, etc... you should know who you are by now). All references to Dane Cook, Georgia Nicolson, the PhantomReviewer, and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em also belong to their appropriate owners. And anyone who can pick out those references probably deserves a plate of Erik cookies.**

_In a lair beneath the Paris Opera House…again..._

Christine (_comes through the front door_): I'm home!

Erik: You... you returned to Erik...

Christine: Yes, of course I did. I always will, you know this.

Erik: But... my dear Christine... you left me. You left your poor, unhappy Erik.

Christine: Erik...I was gone for five minutes. I only left to fetch my score from my dressing room. What ever is the matter with you?

Erik: Let's not play innocent, my dear, though you do play the part very well.

Christine: But Erik...what do you mean? I don't understand!

Erik: You left me for that damned fop! I know what you were thinking! "Oh yes, I'll wait for the corpse to fall into a drug induced sleep and leave the him! Well you can't! Remember Christine, it is a dead man that loves you! And no matter how many times you try to leave, I will always be one step behind in the shadows.

Christine: ERIK! (_grabs him by the shirt, holding back angry tears_) I was gone for five minutes! I don't understand what I have to do to convince you that I don't love Raoul anymore. What do you want from me? All I do is come down here to this dank cellar everyday, and sing! Sing sing sing sing sing sing sing! I want to do other things! Like...walk in the sunshine! Go window-shopping! Attend an opera that for once I am NOT performing in! Learn to fish-forget I mentioned that last one. Besides...Raoul's left for the North Pole. He's been gone for over a month (_sinks to the ground in tears_).

Erik (_looks down and an overwhelming sense of realisation hits him. Or it could be the morphine wearing off_): Erik is... sorry my love. He knows not what came over him. In fact, I feel a bit feverish (_falls to the ground by her side in a heap of tears_) Please don't cry, my darling! You know Erik can't bear to see you cry. I... I can't even bring myself to ask your forgiveness. You deserve the world Christine. (_Stands up suddenly and triumphantly_) And that is precisely what I shall do! Have you ever wanted to travel Christine?

Christine: ...Travel? I...I suppose it would be perfectly exciting to explore the world more than I have. I've only ever seen Sweden and France before, and I knew you've been to many places...

Erik: I've told you before, my love, that I would give you the world, and Erik never goes back on his promises. We can see whatever you like, so long as you are happy.

Christine: Oh Erik, can we really see the world together? I just...never thought you would consent to...well...show your face outside of our home (_sheepish smile_).

Erik (_begins pacing_): Erik will even take you for walks on Sundays in the park. You are my wife Christine (though the circumstances that led to our marriage are a little... well we won't go there.) But you are my wife, and I want to live as any other man. I will simply use my other mask that makes me look like an ordinary man, out with his beautiful wife on his arm.

Christine: That's so exciting! May we go for a walk now? It's evening, and the sun is setting-or at least it was when I was last near a window.

Erik: Of course, my darling girl. Anything to see you smile. But first, Erik must know where it is you want to go. Have you ever wanted to see Australia?

Christine: Australia? I've never thought about it. Is that in Europe? (_Her already wide blue eyes get even wider with the effort of thinking_)

Erik (_Tries to hide dumbfoundedness_): N-no my child. It is on the complete other side of the world.

Christine: Ooooooooooooooooooh...(_comprehension dawns in her face_) Tell me about Australia, Erik?

Erik (_shakes off laughter by coughing_): Go and fetch your cloak and I will tell you about it on the boat ride.

Christine: Oh yes! I will be only a moment. (_Gives Erik a wary look_) I swear, only a moment (_darts off with rosy cheeks and a spring in her step, singing_).

Erik (_murmurs under his breath_): Dear God above, I've married a half-wit. But she is a beautiful half-wit.

Christine (_Her voice issues faintly from her bedroom_): Is it cold in Austria?

Erik (_hides growing frustration at her stupidity_): Austria, one of our neighboring countries, is cold yes. But it is currently springtime in _Australia_.

Christine (_Emerges, and laughs lightly, stroking Erik's shoulder_): Silly Erik, how can it be spring anywhere when it's currently February? Maybe being all alone down here has made you a little uncertain of the things of the outside world. I think this vacation will be good for you.

Erik (_all anger fades as he settles into his wife's gentle touch_): Australia is in the southern hemisphere, darling, thus the seasons are flip-flopped. When it is winter here in Paris, it shall be summer there. Does that make sense?

Christine: Mmmmm...of course, dear, of course. (_Shakes her head when Erik isn't looking and mutters under her breath_) The man is delusional.

Erik (_undocks the dingy_): Come now, Christine, if we wait any longer, you shall catch a cold, and you won't be able to sing for your Erik.

Christine: Yes yes! (_Hurries over to him eagerly_).

Erik (_shakes his head at her astonishing dimness as he helps her in the boat. She places her hand in the water as he pulls away_): Watch out for the crocs, Christine! (_Puts on a mock Australian accent_).

Christine (_she lets out a piercing scream, pulls her hand from the water and cowers against him to avoid being near the water_): C-c-c-c-c-c-crocs?

Erik (_He laughs and continues in a ridiculous Australian accent_): Yes pet, they'll bite your hand off and feast at such a delicacy!

Christine (_another shriek_).

Erik: Don't even get me started on the piranhas.

Christine (_begins to chant softly to herself_): I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die...and Erik's voice has gone all strange (_recoils from Erik violently, falling from the little boat in her thrashing_).

Erik: Christine! I said watch out for the crocs! (_He steps off the boat and pulls her out of the water that is conveniently only two feet deep_).

Christine: Erik! That! Wasn't! Funny! Why you...bastard! (_Tries to hide her guilt at uttering such a word...again_).

Erik: My dear, you are the one who made a scene. All you had to do was remove your hand from the water. Besides, there are no crocodiles in this lake... only piranhas.

Christine: Damn it Erik! (_She pulls herself from his grasp and runs blindly off into the tunnels, sobbing with frustration_).

Erik (_chuckles darkly_): Christine, I told you five minutes ago; you can run, but never escape. (_He gives her a ten second head start before stepping into the shadows to retrieve his insane wife_).

Christine: Fine, Erik! (_Backs herself against a stone wall and glares at his approaching figure_) I'll just go back to Raoul, and we'll live happily ever after...

Erik (_his eyes turn a menacing yellow):_ You and I both know, my dear, that it is I who you will always run back to. That boy could never satisfy you the way I do. (_With that he pulls her into a fierce, but tender kiss, showing her all of the love he holds for her_).

Christine: Erik! (_She pushes him away_) There's a time and a place!

Erik: Yes darling, this is_ my_ _time_ and _my place_. We are in my domain, after all. Who is going to witness any of this? I am merely a man kissing his beautiful wife. Now dammit, let me be a man and ravish your mouth!

Christine: Raoul would never have-oh my God! Oh my God! Ohy my God! Erik...look!

Erik (_he pauses from the kiss_): Woman! Never say his name while we are at snog factor five!

Christine: No seriously! There's...a...wasp! It's...oh god! It's on your back! Don't you see it? Please Erik...please kill it!

Erik (_a look of confusion spreads across his masked visage as he tries to look at his back_): Damn it all. What in the bloody hell is a wasp doing all the way down here! Christine, where is it! I can't see it!

Christine: OH God...it's flying towards me! Erik...help me! Erik please kill it! It's...oh my gosh it's on me! (_Trembles and resists the urge to slap the insect, meanwhile it buzzes angrily_).

Erik (_fumbles for Punjab_): I'll get it Christine! I'll protect you!

Christine: Erik...just...just hit it with...something. (_Wasp becomes trapped in Christine's hair and begins to buzz even more angrily at being stuck_).

Erik (attempts to whip it to death with Punjab): Just hold still Christine. This may hurt.

Christine (_the wasp begins to bite because it cannot free itself_): Oh forget it! (_Throws herself to the ground and rolls over and over on the floor, trying to squish the wasp_).

Erik (_stops beating Christine's head with the Punjab and starts laughing as Christine rolls on the ground_): Did you get it?

Christine (_finally the wasp is sufficiently squashed, Christine jumps up and aims a kick towards Erik's nether regions_).

Erik (_twists her arm behind her back and pushes her against the wall_): And just what do you think you're doing?

Christine: Repaying you for being such an insensitive jerk! (_Struggles viciously_).

Erik (_pushes her more forcefully against the wall_): In what way was I being "an insensitive jerk" as you so eloquently put it, Madame?

Christine: Why did you start hitting me around the head with that horrible lasso? I asked you to kill the wasp, not beat me around the head with a piece of useless rope and then laugh at me when I actually tried to kill the thing myself. (_She looks over his shoulder and her defiant expression is replaced with one of absolute horror_). Um… Erik?

Erik: What is it now?

Christine: We've got a bit o' trouble.

Erik: WHAT is it, Christine?

Christine (_wordlessly points to an enormous wasp nest about ten feet away; an ominous buzzing is emanating from it_).

Erik (_he holds her close and whispers in her ear_): It's very important you do as I say Christine. You must listen to my every order, do you understand?

Christine: Yes, Erik, I understand. (_Presses closer, face white with fear_).

Erik (_in a tone of all encompassing seriousness_): I need you to run down the passage, flapping your arms like a madman and yell "Wig! It's a Wig!"

Christine: Yes, Erik. (_Rushes off in the wrong direction yelling "Wigwigwigwigwig!"_)

Erik (_hears the wasps bizzing and buzzing about in a dangerous manner_): Christine, you silly girl! Get back here or I shall lose you prematurely to a hoard of wasps! And I don't have the time to punch every single wasp in the face in an act of revenge!

Christine (_Turns around and retreats back down the hallway, still screaming "Wig!"_).

Erik: You can stop saying that now. It hurts my head.

Christine: Yes, Erik.

Erik: I think we should retire for the evening. All this wasp and crocodile nonsense has made me a weary old man.

Christine (_Climbs awkwardly into the boat and beckons to Erik_): Yes, my love, we should go back. Surely you aren't too weary to...reaffirm our marriage tonight?

Erik (_jumps like a gazelle in the boat next to her and growls low into her ear_): Never. Let's get you out of those wet clothes, eh?

Christine: Mhmm...(_Smiles coyly_) I wouldn't want to catch cold and injure my voice.

Erik (_begins to undress her in the boat while suckling her neck):_ No, no we mustn't have any of that. What a crime indeed for an angel to lose her voice.

Christine (_lifts her head just enough to speak_): I'd prefer not to be an angel just now, Erik love.

Erik (_lifts his head away from her and cocks an eyebrow_): What ever are you talking about, my love? You are not making sense. You are an angel in the purest sense. And you are _my_ angel.

Christine: Let us be earthly tonight, Erik. Just this once.

Erik: You have confused this Opera Ghost, Christine. Not an easy feat, I assure you.

Christine (_becomes increasingly frustrated_): Erik...I'm trying to tell you that I don't wish to be...pure. Tonight.

Erik: You do not wish to make the birds and the bees tonight? I am losing my patience Christine. Tell me exactly what it is you want!

Christine: Erik...I want...I want you to...I want us to...engage in...married-people-activities...oh what the hell! I want you to make love to me, right here in this boat and I refuse to let you hold back! NO tears, no self-pity, and no self-loathing! I want you, you beautiful idiot!

Erik (_a goofy grin spreads over his face_): Well why didn't you just say so? Erik will have what is his. Right here. In this boat. And I promise you will not find me gone in the morning this time... there is no where for me to run away to hide my shame. Now lay back, darling love, and let your spirits soar.

Christine (_A very non-angelic smile breaks over her face_).


	3. Of Tampons and Confusion

**A/N: Two chapters tonight because after the previous chapter we did, we did a follow up one a few hours later. This won't happen often; we just had a lot of inspiration a few nights ago.**

_Three Weeks Later_

Erik (_emerges from the bathroom_): I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Christine (_looks up from her book, as reading is the only thing to do in Erik's dank lair_): Oh Erik, don't pretend to be so menacing.

Erik: Ah, but I do love to frighten you, sweet. Your eyes become so delightfully wide. You resemble that asinine singer...Sarah...something.

Christine (_raises an eyebrow_): You're poking fun of me again, aren't you? But I'm not sure.

Erik: Poking fun of _you_? Never! (_Turns his head to the side and snickers_) Well, the cold air of Austria should clear your head, love.

Christine: You _are _making fun of me. (_Stomps off in a huff to her room_)

Erik: What a child I married! (_Contemplates strangling himself with his own lasso_) But then...she can sing so beautifully...nah, I'll keep her.

Christine: (_shouts from the bedroom_) You did marry a child! I'm sixteen! And don't forget you forced me!

Erik: Ah yes, I'd conveniently forgotten that particular detail. But really, darling, you did have a choice. You always have a choice. Even if the choice wasn't to your liking, it was there notwithstanding.

Christine (_a look of anger takes over her face as she peeks her head out of the bedroom_): You... you assface! (_burns red at using such a word and closes the door again_)

Erik: Never, ever insult my face! I do not need reminders as to its ... ass-like condition. (P_auses trying to come up with a way to insult his wife_) And…well you...you have doe eyes! Take that, bitch! (_Immediately feels ashamed and runs into his own room, they both sob and throw things for the evening_) *_Erik muses to himself_* Perhaps...she has that peculiar female syndrome. She will probably come knocking at my door requesting chocolate any moment now.

Christine (_shouts from the bedroom again_): ERIK! I NEED TAMPONS!

Erik: You need ... what?

Christine: TAMPONS, YOU DOLT!

Erik: What are these...tampons you speak of, child?

Christine (_grows increasingly frustrated as noted by her reddening cheeks_): They are... wads of cotton… to stop the flow.

Erik: The flow of what? Are you trying to dam the lake again? You must know that isn't possible, little love. Since it is still water, as I have previously explained.

Christine: I learned my lesson trying to dam the lake! I won't do it again!

Erik: By the way Christine, just why did you endeavor to dam our lake? I did not fully understand your explanation the first time.

Christine (_in a small, timid voice_): I wanted to find the siren… and the crocs.

Erik: I thought the crocs terrified you? Why does Christine seek to keep company with frightening creatures? One would think being married to Erik would be sufficient excitement.

Christine: No doubt of that, dear husband, but I wanted to see what they looked like, and I couldn't find any picture books in your library.

Erik: Of course not! Do you think Erik would carry picture books in his library? Erik has no need of looking at ugly things! His face is enough. (_Wallows in self-pity and dissolves into a black mood_).

Christine: I still need tampons!

Erik (_looks up questioningly_): What do you want these peculiar items for again?

Christine (_smacks his bony chest with her hands_): You stupid man! My painters! I have my bloody painters, and I need to stop the flow dammit!

Erik: Your ...painters? Did you invite strange workmen into our home? You could have simply asked, and I would have painted your room any colour you desired. How dare you show strangers Erik's domain?

Christine (_punches Erik in the arm_): Do I have to spell it out for you?

Erik: Yes, my dear, it would seem so. Erik is not accustomed to being confused, though his Christine does this frequently.

Christine (_smoke now coming out her ears_): THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING AND NEVER COMING BACK! YOU'RE CLUELESS AND MOCKING ME! (_Turns to the boat to leave_)

Erik (_leaps from his seat on the edge of his coffin and runs after the fleeing soprano_): Christine wait! What it is you need? If you would only explain to Erik...

Christine: No! You are being insufferable, and I don't wish to be around you any further more!

Erik (_drops to his knees before her and grabs onto the hem of her nightgown_): My Christine, I beg you! Forgive your Erik his incompetence. I only wish to make you happy! Tell me what it is you desire.

Christine (_screams loudly into the dark abyss to let out her frustration before sinking to the ground in tears_): I have my period, Erik. There, I said it! I'm bleeding! And your stupidity about the matter isn't helping things. Of all the books you keep in this sewer, you don't bother to have one on female anatomy?

Erik (_looks at his wife in complete shock and horror_): Christine! You are bleeding? Are you injured? What has happened?

Christine (_pushes his hunched figure on to the ground completely_): Only injured for this week. Think about it Erik. There's always one week of the month we don't have our husband and wife nights.

Erik (_looks like a lost puppy_): I merely thought...that you were unusually weary those nights.

Christine: I was, from the bleeding!

Erik: I do not understand this. I have not bothered to study the anatomy of a woman for reasons that should be obvious to you, my dear, and so I did not know of this bleeding. Where is it you bleed from? I cannot see any wounds.

Christine (_looks baffled as she tries to come up with a way of showing her husband the ways of a woman_): I-I'm not sure if I should tell you or show you...

Erik (_a light of understanding suddenly appears in Erik's yellow eyes_): Ah...I think I recall reading something very brief on the subject, now that I think about it. This has to do with the cycle of fertility, no?

Christine (_long sigh of relief_): Yessss.

Erik (_rises and grabs for the boat_): I will go and fetch these...tampons, and I will return as soon as possible. You will be well here alone for an hour or so?

Christine (_reaches up for the hem of Erik's tailcoat_): Nooo, don't leave me alone!

Erik (_looks down at her confusedly_): But my love, I cannot possibly take you with me!

Christine: I know, but I don't want to stay here alone! I feel so confused!

Erik (_thinks for a moment then sighs wearily_): If I escort you by keeping to the shadows, will you be able to go into a shop and fetch your ... materials?

Christine: I don't want to go anymore... I hurt.

Erik: Are you alright, Christine?

Christine: Yes, yes fine. Just confused. I-I'll stay here and lay down. Walking around all that way to the market may tire me.

Erik (_strokes her cheek affectionately_): I shall fetch you your necessities, and perhaps a picture book of animals. Does that please you?

Christine (_blushes and smiles up at her husband_): Yes, thank you Erik.

Erik (_deposits a quick kiss on her forehead, scoops her up and carries her bridal-style to bed_): Rest love, I will return soon.

Christine: Erik?

Erik: Yes, Christine?

Christine: Give us a snog, eh?

Erik (_blushes_): Very well.


	4. Of Valentines and Impotence

**So, as a treat for you all, my fellow authoress and I decided to give you all some insight as to what Erik and Christine _actually_ do on Valentines day, rather than shower you with useless fluff that will be posted on this particular day. And we decided since my significant other is off protecting the planet from wrong-doers (or terrorists, whichever flights your fancy), and my fellow authoress and I were not able to meet today, we thought it was best to be gloomy and melodramatic... so here's what you get! Also, we left in some insight to what our conversations might look like before all the editing... so we left in some IM bits. For the very few of you who understand the jokes or find it funny, that's for you. If you don't...well ehh, I don't really give a hoot and a half. **

****You might also notice the rating change to M, but just for this chapter** If you don't like all things mature, then flee now, or feast your eyes and glut your soul on our inside jokes!**

Of Valentines and Impotence

_Deep within the sewers of the Paris Opera House, on the most romantic day of the year…._

Christine (_calls out into the music room_): Erik? Erik, are you in there?

Erik: Yes my dear, what is it?

Christine (_she stands in the doorway, pouting her lower lip_): Well, it's just, it's Valentines Day...

Erik: Ah, yes. The silly occasion in which lovers flaunt their bliss before the less fortunate.

Christine: Yes, and I was wondering if we could go above ground today... like other couples?

Erik: Ah my love I do not know if that would be possible. Perhaps when the sun sets, Erik will take his beautiful wife for a walk above ground if she wishes it. (_Turns to retreat back into his music_)

Christine (_tries to hide the oncoming sobbing, but a sniffle gives it away_): Can we go to the Tuileries tonight?

(the what, Christina?)  
(Louis XVI's abode)  
(gochya)  
(it's in Paris)  
(so long as it's not in Austria)  
(lololololololol!)

Erik (_takes Christine's chin in his icy grip_): Christine, you know that Erik does not wish to expose himself to the prying eyes of passers-by. Would not a secluded stroll do for you?

Christine (_sighs in annoyance, but gives in_): Very well, husband.

Erik: Excellent. Darling, I have composing to do. Why don't you go and amuse yourself with a book for a few hours?

Christine (_strops off and pounds her feet_): Valentines Day indeed.

Erik (_shrugs and seats himself before his organ contentedly_): She shall come around in time for our evening walk.

_Evening approaches..._

Christine (_screeches from the library_): Can we go now, damn it?

Erik (_starts and comes back to his surroundings_): Yes, yes of course, my love. Fetch your cloak; I will be waiting at the boat.

Christine: You can't fetch it for me? Whatever happened to being a chivalrous husband? I may as well help myself into the damned boat!

Erik (_stares at Christine in astonishment_): My dear, have you fallen victim to that particular female syndrome once again? I have calculated that this should not come upon you for another few weeks.

Christine: Can I not be angry with my husband? Do I need some sort of syndrome to be angry? Hmmm? You get angry all the time, but I don't see you bleeding once a month!

Erik: Very well pet, I will only be a moment. (_Hurries into her bedroom to fetch her cloak_)

Christine (_calls out to her husband_): I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of cleaning the stack of compositions sitting in your library. They were laying all askew.

Erik (_the sound of heavy footsteps grows steadily louder as he returns_): YOU DID WHAT?

Christine: I organized your dump of a desk Erik! There were papers everywhere! And you know how I am about keeping things neat.

Erik (_his voice grows eerily calm_): Christine, you know that Erik has given you this home underground and you are welcome to treat it as your own. But to "clean" Erik's desk is simply provocation. Were you trying to make me angry, Christine? Did you seek to cause me hardship? What have I done, Christine? Have I been less attentive-perhaps I have not given you what you need lately, or perhaps I have not spent enough time with you...perhaps you are angry about the walk? Is it Erik's face, Christine? Are you weary of your ugly husband, dearest love? (_His eyes blaze_)

Christine (_pokes him hard in the chest, her anger boiling_): Don't you _dare_ make this about your face Erik! You know damn well your face has nothing to do with any of this. (_Sarcasm sets in_) I apologize, however, if I disrespected your man cave in any way. Let me go back and put everything the way it was. (_Stomps off to the library_)

Erik (_His anger abruptly vanishes, to be replaced with confusion_): My...my...what? And I thought I was enigmatic. I suppose I should go and comfort my sparrow or I will not get-ahem, she will be angry and I do not want my love angry with me.

Christine (_walks in on Christine throwing papers in the air_): There, I am positive this is how I found it this afternoon.

Erik (_moves to Christine's side, removes the sheet music from her hands, and throws it in an opposite pattern to her own_): No, my dear, it was more like this. Now come. (_He swiftly lifts her into his arms and wraps her squirming form in her own cloak_) We shall go for your walk.

Christine (_suddenly comes out of her angry stupor and looks about the room):_ Oh... Erik, what have I done? I'm so sorry my love! I…don't know what came over me.

Erik (_holds her more tightly_): Be easy love, all is forgiven. Erik will take you for a walk.

Christine: I am not deserving.

Erik: Oh Christine...Erik is rubbing off on you isn't he? Hush now, only talk of cheerful things this evening.

Christine (_nuzzles closely into her husband's chest_): I love you my heart. And yes, perhaps you are rubbing off on me... or I snuck into your stash of morphine. (_She looks up and winks_)

Erik: I ... you... ah, it doesn't matter. Let us go before I become angry again, shall we?

Christine: Yes, please! I'm anxious to be out in public on the arm of my husband whom I love dearly, and on this lovely holiday where we can express our love openly... (_looks up at him seductively_) if you know what I mean.

_Erik fades off into a daydream...so much so that he misses the boat entirely and plunges with Christine into the frigid waters of the lake._

Christine (_stands up, sopping wet_): Erik! Is this some joke to make me angry all night? Why on earth would you do such a thing?

Erik (_looks dignified in spite of the dripping water_): My apologies, my dear. I suppose we shall have to go back and find dry clothing...

Christine (_her face suddenly turns to that of a cunning one_): Or we don't have too...

Erik (_looks devious_): You have a better idea, I trust? Come, tell your husband what it is!

Christine (_lies back in the boat with a coquettish gleam in her eyes_): Don't pretend to be dense Erik; it doesn't suit you.

_Erik's eyes are afire-until a sudden change comes over him and he appears frustrated_.

Christine: Come now husband, you really can't be confused as to what I am suggesting.

Erik: Christine, my love, I assure you I understand completely. But perhaps we could-could return to our home first...

Christine: But why?

Erik_ (the look of frustration does not fade and his fists clench slightly_): It is rather cold, my dear. Surely it would be wiser to re-enter the house where it is warm; I fear you will catch cold. I also need to use the lavatory.

Christine (_looks mystified_): You can just go in the lake, dearest. I assure you, it won't offend me.

Erik: No no, I mustn't disturb the croc-I mean the piranhas! And the siren. That would be very rude. She eats our guests when they are uninvited.

Christine (_screeches at the levels of Carlotta_): I thought you were being coy when you spoke of piranhas being in the lake!

Erik (_curses under his breath in a language Christine cannot understand_): Christine, Christine, we must go back. I assure you we will still...enjoy our husband-and-wife activities, but we must go back.

Christine (_sticks out her lower lip_): Fine. But I still hold you accountable for taking me to the Tuileries!

Erik (_looks more frustrated than ever as he reaches for Christine in order to carry her_): Of course of course, I will take you inside and you may prepare yourself. I will be ready in a moment.

_Christine skips off merrily as she comes up with ways to torture her husband._

_Time elapses…._

_And more time…._

_Crickets chirp…._

Christine (_calls out for her husband_): I'm ready darling!

Erik (_mutters under his breath from his personal bathroom_): I am not, darling.

Christine: Well, perhaps if you come in here you will be.

(my my lol)

Erik (_sighs_): Give me just a few moments more, dearest.

Christine (_calls out again_): Erik darling, please just come in the bedroom! You're making me worry that you want to hide from your wife all night.

Erik (_sighs and squares his shoulders_): Yes, my dear, of course.

Christine (_shifts her best lingerie into position and lays back on the bed_): I'm ready my love.

_Erik emerges, mask off, blushing._

Christine: Erik, you have to come in all the way. Don't just stand behind the door.

Erik: Of course, of course. (_He advances about half a step more_)

Christine: Come now, I want to see you! Stop hiding in the shadows!

_He finally emerges completely into Christine's view._

Christine (_admiring the bulge in his trousers_): Oh, it looks a good one!

_Erik gingerly begins to undress in front of Christine, looking oddly terrified._

Christine (_her look of excitement slowly changes to one of confusion_): Where's the other half?

Erik (_blushes to an even deeper shade of red_): Why, my love, whatever do you mean?

Christine (_blushes deeply at the thought of having such a conversation_): Dearest... you're emm... not fully ready for husband and wife activities.

Erik (_his shoulders sag_): I...no, my love, I...I am not.

Christine: Well husband, your wife can remedy that. (_Puts her arm around Erik's neck and pulls him down toward the bed_)

_Erik looks nervous, but allows her to continue in the vain hope that she will succeed. Christine kisses him deeply and begins to reach for him in hopes of preparing him for a rendezvous, but Erik is still as stone, unable to respond adequately to her ministrations._

Christine (_finally stops, as she realizes she is achieving nothing_): Erik, is something bothering you tonight?

Erik (_squirms-something Christine has never seen him do before_): Well, yes, pet, there is.

Christine: Which would be what, my heart?

Erik: ...You...you promise not to be angry with Erik?

Christine: I can't promise anything since you've phrased it that way!

Erik (_sighs deeply_): My dear Christine, you have married an old man.

Christine: Dearest, you are not old.

Erik (_smiles slightly_): My love, Erik is indeed an old man, though he may not look it. I...I do not know how to explain this to you, but certain...certain parts of me have...lost functionality, if you will. (_Looks into Christine's eyes, willing her to understand_)

Christine: Nothing your wife cannot fix dearest. We made exquisite love in the boat just last week! Was it the mess I caused in the library earlier? I know how music interrupts your... functionality, as you put it.

Erik (_actually laughs, a surprisingly rich sound despite his humiliation_): No, my love, it was not the library. Dear...my pills have run out. I am unable to give you what you desire tonight.

Christine: Well then, be sure you acquire some tomorrow, because you have some making up to do. (_She kisses his forehead and helps him under the sheets_)

Erik (_cuddles next to her_): Erik is very, very sorry. Can you forgive your incompetent husband?

Christine (_kisses him with all the passion that she otherwise would have used in their lovemaking, leaving Erik's head spinning_): Of course my love. Now hold me. It's been a long day.

Erik: That it has, my love. Goodnight.

(should we go a bit further and in the midst of the night, our masked friend finds himself with... a raised tent? or leave it?)  
(we could do that...)

_Much later in the night…._

_Erik shifts in his sleep restlessly and slowly begins to wake. Knowing he will not be able to sleep again that night, he taps his sleeping wife on the shoulder. Christine moans unintelligibly and sleeps on._

Erik (_strokes her hair softly_): Christine...wake up, love.

Christine (_moans in her sleep before waking and speaking groggily_): Erik, what is it? Are you alright my love?

Erik: Yes yes, tell me do you still wish to...make love tonight?

Christine (_smiles coyly_): I thought you would wait until later today to make it up to me. But I suppose I can settle for now.

Erik (_growls softly_): I will do both, my dear.

Christine: Take me Erik. I'm yours.

(shall we end it there? or should Erik profess his desire to "fuck her brains out"? kidding.)  
(oh boy I'm glad that ended up in the right window)


End file.
